A Very Shinra Christmas
by T Rocket
Summary: The Shinra company Christmas party goes a LEETLE off course...
1. A Very Shinra X-Mas

Disclaimer: We don't own FF7, never will, get over it. This is only for entertainment. So ya' can't sue us! NYAH NYAH! We don't own Pokemon, Victoria Secret, or Fairvilla either.

****

A Very Shinra Christmas

Chapter 1: Enter the Party

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

WARNING!

Here be

Gratuitous profanity Gratuitous violence and SOME death Sex, drugs, and rock and roll Some nudity Homosexuality Bisexuality NO morals WHAT-SO-EVER! And some other unmentionable thingsPANCAKES! 

SO BEWARE!

* * *

Setting: Big, big Shinra Exec. Building on Christmas Eve. Red carpet, paparazzi, limos, etc.

Two mystery chicks with microphones are standing in front of the building. J J 

MC1: Hello. I'm mystery chick #1 and this is mystery chick #2, and we are broadcasting to you live from the annual Shinra Company Christmas Ball.

MC2: I wanna see what's going on inside!

MC1: WELL YOU CAN'T! *smacks MC2*

MC2: OW! BUT I WANT TO! *SMACK!*

Bitch slap fight ensues, and camera zooms in on red carpet and limousines.

Red XIII is sitting at the front door, passing out pamphlets.

Red XIII: Here you go! "101 Reasons NOT To Fuck The Dog!" I'm sure you all remember the Labor Day partyI'm still soreLet's not have a repeat of THAT, shall we?

Black limo pulls up, Turks exit.

Reno: FUCKING partyMother FUCKING gay-ass party!

Elena: Shut up hoe-bitch.

Reno cowers.

Rude: I won't let her hurt you baby.

Reno: Are you DRUNK?!

Rude: NOPE! I'm your guys' designated driver!

Tseng: *as they enter the building* Screw this. I'm getting a drink. *Other Turks wander off to secluded corner*

Armored car pulls up, and Cloud, Barret, and Tifa exit.

Tifa: I love this time of year.

Barret attempts to fondle TifaSMACK!

Cloud: Yeah, Christmas is great.

Barret attempts to fondle CloudSMACK!

Tifa: Barret, where's Marlene?

Barret: Elmyra's watchin' her.

Cloud: Isn't she dead?

Barret: Hell if I should know!

They walk into the party as Vincent, Aeris, and Yuffie pull up, and walk into party.

Vincent looks up at the doorway and sees mistletoe.

Vincent: Oh damn.

Aeris: What?

Vincent: *struggling* Can't. Resist. PROGRAMMING! *liplocks Yuffie*

Yuffie breaks loose screaming.

Yuffie: GODDAMMIT! I'M A LESBIAN! Don't TOUCH me! Aeris on the other hand

Vincent shrugs, Aeris cowers, and all 3 enter party.

Palmer, Heidegger, and Scarlet pull up in a phat fat truck made for the two men's' great girths.

Scarlet: And WHY are we here again?

Palmer: To celebrate the Christmas spirit! *Skips into party* Tra-la-la-la-la!

HD: I hate him.

Heidegger and Scarlet enter party, where palmer the pussy is STILL dancing and skipping.

HD: I REALLY hate him.

Back out sideon the roofThe Highwind is crashed-er-umparked, and Cid, Reeve, and Cait Sith exit.

Cid: I hate these fuck ass shit lick balls wipe Tifa tits piss pants kinda' parties!

Reeve: you say something?

Cid: *mumbles obscenities*

Cait: Yay! Another gay-ass Christmas party!

Reeve: 

The three enter via door on the roof thingy.

A*authoresses blink for a moment* PINK limo pulls up, and out step Don Corneo, his entourage of juggies, and Hojo.

Hojo stares at one of the women's chests.

Hojo: How DID you manipulate the silicone SO perfectly? *poke-poke-poke*

Hojo is invariably smacked three times.

Don: Heh, heh ladies, now THIS is high society!

The ladies glomp Don and walk in.

Juggie 1: Oh Don! You're SO sexy! But why does that shriveled lab man have to come with us?

Juggie 2: Yeah Don, why? He creeps me out!

Don: It makes you ladies look all the better!

A white limo pulls up, and President Shinra and Rufus, his son, exit. The paparazzi follow closely behind.

Rufus: *smiles weakly* I l-love y-you f-father.

Pres.: Y-you too s-son. *Stiffly pats Rufus's shoulder*

The paparazzi members leave to bug someone else.

Pres.: I hate you, you spoiled brat

Rufus: Fuck off fogey.

They split up at the door and enter the party.

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 5

Total: 5

* * *

On to Chapter 2! FWAHAHA!


	2. Dead Time Before Presents

Disclaimer: We don't own FF7, never will, get over it. This is only for entertainment. So ya' can't sue us! NYAH NYAH! We don't own Pokemon, Victoria Secret, or Fairvilla either.

****

A Very Shinra Christmas

Chapter 2: Dead Time Before Presents

(Probably the shortest chapter.)

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

* * *

Everyone inside is conversing happily. Suddenly, a silhouetted figure crashes through the skylight and impales a man with a Murasame. 

???: I HAVE KILLED CLOUD!

A random paparazzi member pops up

RPM: IT'S SEPHIROTH! *takes picture*

Sephiroth: *looks at the dead guy* you don't look like that spikey-headed assholeOH DAMN! It's not him CLOUD! Come out and fight me you PUSSY! *pulls sword out of dead guy*

Sephiroth stomps off looking for Cloud.

Later Red XIII sits in a corner pondering.

Red XIII: _No one is fucking me this_ should _be a blessing_, _but I feel so_ empty! _Must. Hump. _**SOMETHING!**

Red XIII dashes off and humps the first thing he seesReno's leg.

Reno: Jesus mother-FUCKING Christ! He's humping my FUCKING leg! Who let this FUCKING dog in here?! Get him the FUCK off of me! I feel so FUCKING violated! **FUCK!**

Cid gives Reno a thumbs-up.

Cid: Yeah man! Show the goddamned mother fucking ass wipe shit lick ball hair Tifa tits piss pants dog who's boss!

Cid then walks off to the snack table for some punch. Once there, he takes a drink.

Cid: *spits out punch* WHAT THE HELL?! This isn't punch! It's Goddamn cock sucking goat fucking dirty hoe ass bitch ball licking sticky finger pussy ass son of a cum guzzling whore on pay day Dorothy mother fucking ass wipe ball hair Tifa tits piss pants pussy punch! It needs bourbon! Hard liquor damnit! 

He opens up his jacket to reveal many hidden flasks of alcohol, including

Cid: One VODKA! One JACK DANIEL'S! One BOURBON! One SCOTCH! One TEQUILA! And one--! *He sniffs the open flask* I don't even know what the FUCK this is, but it's going in anyway! *Takes a drink* Hell yah! HOE ASS BITCH! THIS is better!

Later, after a few drinks, Cid is drunk on his ass, plastered. He stands next to Palmer, smoking his customary cigar.

Cid: And then SHE said—

Cid taps the ash of his cigar off. It then falls on Palmer, who bursts into flames.

PALMER: EEK! My hair's on fire!

Cid: You pussy! You're BALD!

PALMER: My back and ass hair goddamnit, you FUCKING ass idiot!!!!!

Cid: you're good

Reeve hears the commotion and walks over.

Reeve: what the hell are you morons doing?

Cid: He's on fire, you bitch! Put him out!

Reeve: okay.

Reeve dumps the ENTIRE contents of the punch bowl on Palmer, but due to the excessive amount of alcohol, Palmer explodes, but is not killed.

Cid & Reeve: 

Cid, still being plastered halfway to hell, plants a right hook in Reeve's face, sending him over the snack table, and onto the floor. A bar fight ensues

meanwhile, Barret continues to fondle random members of the paparazzi as well as the normal party goers. 

Barret: *grabs woman's erahem* FURIKURI! KURIKURI! *dashes off*

Barret stops running as he sees his next two victims; Scarlet and Reno. The two are sitting at table chatting as Barret sneaks up. Unnoticed, he slips under the table. Reno and Scarlet continue to talk unknowingly of the approaching DANGER!

Reno: This FUCKING party sucks!

Scarlet: Stick it up your ass stupid Turk.

Barret fondles Scarlet.

Barret: Furikuri. Kurikuri.

Scarlet: *bitch slaps Reno* BASTARD! Don't TOUCH me!

Reno: What the FUCK you stupid bitch?! I didn't do a FUCKING thing!

Barret fondles Reno.

Barret: Kurikuri. Kurikuri.

Reno: FUCK! What the FUCKING FUCK was that?! Scarlet! You skank ass FUCKING hoe bitch! That was my FUCKING Reno Jr.!

Scarlet and Reno jump across the table at each other's throats and start fighting. Barret giggles like the Big Black Burly Bisexual Man he is and runs off again.

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 19

Total: 24

* * *

T: ooh.. Oo; could this get any weirder?

Bleu: ::nods:: we still have presents to do.

T: Oh dear


	3. PRESENT TIME! XD

Disclaimer: We don't own FF7, never will, get over it. This is only for entertainment. So ya' can't sue us! NYAH NYAH!

****

A Very Shinra Christmas

Chapter 3: PRESENT TIME! XD

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

* * *

President Shinra rings a dinky hand bell and throws an arm around his son, Rufus. All of the talking ceases. The paparazzi close in for some pictures.

Pres.: Okay everybody, settle down. It's time to gather 'round the tree and open presents. *gives a cheesy smile*

Rufus: Yeah. Presents. *smiles*

The paparazzi leave and everybody gathers around.

Pres.: Fuck off kid. Go away. Camera's gone.

Rufus: Where the hell is my present you goddamn dinosaur?

Pres.: You don't get a damn present.

Rufus pulls out shotgun and nails the President in the forehead.

Rufus: Damn fogey. See if I ever get you a present. *mumbles* I hope I still have the receipt for that tie

A burnt Palmer gleefully skips 'round the X-mas tree, trips on one of his own fat rolls, and rolls over numerous presents, party goers, and paparazzi members. Still rolling he knocks over the tree.

Suddenly Cid finds himself in Palmer's advancing shadow. Cid pales as the fat man rolls towards him.

Cid: I don't wanna be a dog fucking ass lick shit wipe penis monger relax-o-vision crap nuts crack monkey weed smoking Pikachu humping camel jockey smashed to the ass like a goddamn pancake! HEEELP!

It seems poor Cid is another victim of the Indiana Jones Repeatedly Reenacted Scenes Fan Club

Sephiroth walks out of the kitchen looking quite pissed off wearing a Santa hat, a matching trench coat, and pansy ass elf boots. He stomps over to the smushed tree and begins to sort presents.

__

FLASHBACK TO FIVE MINUTES EARLIER

Sephiroth walks into the kitchen, severely pissed that he did not succeed in killing Cloud. He leans up against a counter and pouts. Meanwhile, Scarlet stomps in, barking into a cell phone. "What the hell do you mean, 'you don't have the Santa we ordered'?! I ordered that thing MONTHS ago!.I. Don't. CARE~!" She slams the cell onto the floor, stepping on it repeatedly, pauses for a moment, then turns to Sephiroth. "Hey there sexy. How'd you like to play Santa for the party?" 

Sephiroth answers with a dead stare. 

"I said," She repeats. "to be our Santa."

"No. Freaking. Way."

"LISTEN, YOU! You'll be our Santa and you'll LIKE it!" She screams.

Sephiroth is, for the first time in his life, genuinely frightened. "O-okay."

__

END OF FLASHBACK THING...

Sephiroth: TOREEVE! FROMSCARLET!

Reeve opens the box. Inside he finds a Fairvilla blowup doll and a box of strawberry flavored condoms.

Reeve: o0; thanks

Then, out of complete and utter boredom, he opens the box of condoms, and proceeds to eat them.

Sephiroth: TOCID! FROMREEVE! 

Cid rips off the wrapping paper, it'sThe Book of Kama Sutra

Cid: Holy shit! This is like.friggin' PORN! Jesus H. Tapdancin' CHRIST! Can people even bend that way? FUCK! I could SO get off to this! Fuck, Reeve! Thanks a whole shit load!

Sephiroth: TO CREEPY FONDLE MAN! FROM CID!

Barret unwraps the little box to find lots of gold "Mr. T" style chains.

Barret: Highwind! Get yo' pasty white crackass over here! *Barret puts the chains on as Cid plods over* Now I be bling-blingin' just like Mr. T! Yo', mo', fo', thanx! *throws one arms over Cid's shoulder and the other into his crotch* kuri kuri.

Cid: O_O *cannot speak*

Sepiroth: TO CLOUD THE PUSSY! FROM BARRET!

Cloud unwraps a pink and red Victoria's Secret box-thing. Inside is a black silk teddy.

Cloud: *is scared as he picks up the note in the packaging* _BACK ROOM UTILITY CLOSET. FIVE MINUTES. SEE YOU THERE, BARRET._

Barret winks suggestively. Cloud faints.

Sephiroth: TO YUFFIE! FROM THE PUSSY!

Yuffie savagely tears off the wrapping paper.

Yuffie: Mareria??A TRAINING BRA?!?! You perverted little tightwad assmuncher! I'm a LESBIAN! I don't need a training bra! I don't wears bras at all!!! SEE??? *lifts up shirt*

All: NOO!!! Keep it ON!

RPM: I'll give you a 100 gil to keep it on!

RPM2: 1500 gil!!!

And so the bidding starts and by the end of the night, Yuffie has made 34500 gil

Off in a corner, the Turks exchange presentsReno gives to Rude, Rude gives to Elena, she gives to Tseng, and he gives to Reno. They all open at the same time.

All: Weed?

Reno: FUCKIN' SWEET!!!

Elena: What do we do now guys?

Reno: Fucking shit! Smokeout!

Tseng: No. We can't smoke this. We're on duty. We're TURKS dammit! And we're NOT smoking out!

Elena: I'm in complete agreement with Tseng. *smiles sweetly at Tseng* We Turks never shirk our duty.

Reno: I'm going to get FUCKING stoned, Rude's going to get FUCKING stoned, and you, YOU are going to get FUCKING stoned!

Rude: 

Elena: 

Tseng: *with increasing enthusiasm* smokeout?

Reno : *nods* smokeout.

Elena: *raises clenched fist into the air* smokeout?

Rude: *nods*

Tseng: *cheering* SMOKEOUT!

All Turks: YEA!!!

Reno: Hell FUCKING YEA!!

Turks all dash off with the weed to the back room utility closet. There they find Barret in Frankenfurter drag.

Rude: wrong room.

Turks walk off slightly disturbed. They end up in the parking garage.

BACK AT THE PARTY

Sephiroth: TO TIFA THE BROAD! FROM YUFFIE THE LESBIAN!

Yuffie: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Tifa: okie... *opens box* ediblethanks?

Yuffie: *elbows Tifa* it's for, you know, later. ^^

Tifa: *whimpers*

Sephiroth: TO THE HORNY DOG! FROM TIFA!

Red XIII: *tears off the wrapping the best he canit's a squeaky chew toy* *happily* woof woof! *chews on toy*

Sephiroth: TO AERIS! FROM THE MUTT!

Aeris receives a rolled up piece of paper. She unrolls it, revealing a macaroni picture, reading, "_I'm sorry Aeris, Red XIII_."

Aeris: awww! Thank you Red! That's so sweet of you! *hugs Red*

Red: Yeahabout that tank incident, I'm really sorry.

Aeris: ^^ all is forgiven.

Sephiroth: TO VINCENT! FROM AERIS!

Vincent opens the box. It's potpourri and cookies.

Aeris: *happily* I'm made the cookies myself! They're chocolate chip!

Vincent: *actually smiles* thanks.

Sephiroth: TO DAD! FROM VINCENT! TO DAD!!! MY FUCKING DAD!! *breaks down crying* FUCK!!!

Hojo: yeah. *opens the box which is suspiciously ticking*

BOOM!

A flaming pocket protector hurdles though the air and lands on Tifa's shirt, which promptly bursts into flames and is quickly disintegrated.

Tifa: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

RPM: *break out their cameras*

Tifa: *clutching chest* NOO!!!! *runs over to Yuffie, snatches training bra and puts in on. The stress on the flimsy cloth is too much. It too, explodes. Tifa runs out of the room crying*

Sephiroth: Oomm hmnext oneTO TRA LA LA! FROM GYA HA HA! AND TO GYA HA HA! FROM TRA LA LA!

Palmer and Heidegger exchange gifts.

Both: *upon opening boxes* Oh spiffah! An at home Lip-o-suction kit! Thanky mucho!

They try to hug, but their fat rolls get in the way and their stubby arms won't reach.

Sephiroth: *muttering* fat bastardsNEXT!! TOme? From DON?!?!

Don: *waving* Hey sweety! *licks lips provocatively*

Juggies: *stared oddly at the Don*

Sephiroth: mmm*opens the box*dirty Mother FUCKER!!! *slices the Don in two*

Juggies: Why Sephy, why??

Sephiroth: *holds up present* He gave me BONDAGE GEAR! For a fucking WOMAN!!! *tosses to Yuffie* here. YOU take it X|

Yuffe: I don't want it! I'm a LESBIAN! I can't use thi--waitor CAN I???*glances at Scarlet*

Sephy: Christmas sucks

???x2: Not quite Sephy-sama!

All: Who are YOU???

Lights dim and spotlight appears on the chicks.

???: I'm MC1!

???2: And I'm MC2, and in the name of the moon--!

Both: WE SHALL PUNISH YOU!

MC1:wrong line

MC2: oh wellSEPHY-SAMA! We're here to show you the TRUE Christmas spirit!!

The spotlight fades and a disco ball, strobe light, fog machine, bubble machine, and random black lights appear. A stage too, suddenly appears. It's being pushed into the center of the room, by some VERY stoned Turks. Tseng sits on top.

Tseng: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! *cracks up laughing*

Speaker appear! They play--

EL RITMO TROPICAL! 

Reno: It's fuckin' MAMBO time! Get in the fuckin' CONGA line!

Everybody jumps into the stage, forming a conga line. The ground where the two MCs stand, rises to become two tall platforms, and DDR pads appears underneath their feet. A giant screen lowers from the ceiling revealing the steps (XD BATTLE!), and the two bust-a-move while stoned Turks and the party goers conga happily below.

The music suddenly stops, the stuff goes away, the Turks push the stage back, and all sits down as if nothing ever happened.

Sephiroth: doesn't suck

The girls reappear bearing gifts.

MC2: We're baaAAACCccck!

MC1: With stuff for j00 Sephy-sama!

Sephy: ¬.¬ As long as it's not bondage gear*kicks the Don's smelly decomposing carcass*

MC2: For you! ^^ *hands him a box with smiley face wrapping paper*

Sephy opens the box to find a pair of green boxers with gold chocobos on them.

MC1: Here! *hands Sephy a box with Maijin Buu wrapping*

He opens the box to find pancake mix and a bottle of maple syrup, strangely labeled "Bishounen Sauce".

Sephy: Thanks

Both place their index finger to their foreheads and cry--

MC1&2: SQUID PENIS! XD

The glomp Sephy and dash off, giggling like idiots.

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 15

Total: 39

* * *

T: @_@ oro oro oro

Bleu: oro is rightthis is getting out of hand


	4. oO I think everybody's drunk…

Disclaimer: We don't own FF7, never will, get over it. This is only for entertainment. So ya' can't sue us! NYAH NYAH!

****

A Very Shinra Christmas

Chapter 4: o.O I think everybody's drunk

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

* * *

Back at the party

Sephiroth is holding a half-empty pan of brownies, still wearing the Santa hat and matching trench coat. Aeris is crying in a corner

Aeris- *sobbing* He stole my brownies!

Rufus brings her a drink

Rufus- Cheer up toots.

Aeris- *****sniffles* Thanks Rufus *Downs drink in one gulp*

***

Sometime later

The tray is empty. The punch bowl is dry. Sephiroth is sitting in a circle of other people, who are all undoubtedly either drunk or stoned. Sephiroth has an arm slug around Hojo's corpse's shoulder and is ranting senslessly.

Sephiroth- This is my daddy! I LOVE my daddy! You know what he got me for Christmas? Nuthin! The Bastard! He's so ugly! Look at him! How'd I end up so pretty? *Sephiroth pulls Chocobo boxers out of present pile and puts them on his own head* WHEE!!

Vincent walks by, Sephiroth giggles and PANTS' Vincent!

Sephiroth- *giggles* NO PANTS MAN!!

Vincent- *twitch* I feel soThe garments that have bound me to my sins arefinally gone *flings off the rest of his clothing* FREEDOM!!!

Vincent runs off, Fangirls scream

FG- NAKIE TIME!!

Vincent dashes past Reeve

Reeve- Nice assasshole...*sees little black kitty next to him* Where's the ugly-ass moogle?

Cait- Out of batteriesReevey, wanna fuck? Ya know you want somma' this *Poses*

Reeve- Asshole! *grabs Cait and flings him through the nearest window. Cait drops 57 floors to the ground*

***

After 18 or so drinksAeris is drunk off her ass.

Aeris- I wanna start a WAR, Rufie!

Rufus- Yeah, and I've got a purple helmeted soldier who wants to get drafted

Aeris- YAY!

Rufus- Yeah! He's standing at attention in Dad's office. Wanna meet him?

Aeris- JOY!

Rufus picks up Aeris and hightails it for the elevator. Yuffie and Scarlet are chatting as Rufus runs by with Aeris.

Scarlet- Where are they going?

Yuffie- Probably to fuck somewhere.

Scarlet- Really?

Yuffie- Yeahhey, Sephy gave me some bondage gear. Wanna try it out?

Scarlet- Sure.

Yuffie- Utility closet!

They dash off to the back room, throw open the door to the randomly place utility closet, and.find Cloud and Barret in a compromising position.

Cloud- HELP! Barret, let me go! NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo!

Barret- Ooh! Playing hard to get, are we? Well that turns me ON!

Cloud- HEY! NoNoNo! Don't put your hands there!

Barret- Ooh! So soft! And I'm not talking about the teddy

Cloud- Get OFF, you pervert!

Barret- OH CLOUD!

Cloud- NoNoNo! Not THAT way! YUFFIE! SCARLET! HELP!!!!

Yuffie- Are we interrupting something?

Scarlet- I think we are

Cloud- No! Don't leave me with--!

Barret- OOH! You shave your legs!

SLAM!

Yuffie- creepy

Scarlet- What now?

Yuffie- Well there's a table right over there

Scarlet- Okay.

***

Elena- I'm hungry

Reno- Fuckin' munchies

Rude- Wasn't there a Simbad's Salads place down the road?

Tseng- You mean the one with the cheap-ass Aladdin mural on the side?

Rude- Yeah.

Elena- Let's go jack the Simbad Salad's!

Tseng- To the Batmobile!

Rude- @_@ Don't you mean the Chevy?

Reno- Mother Fucking cheap-ass tabouli and humus for all!

***

Back at the party

Cloud escapes the clutches of the big black burly bisexual man with only mental scars! He is talking with Tifa, who is wearing Vincent's discarded clothing.

Tifa- Hey Cloud! If you hit on Sephy, I'll sleep with ya!

Cloud- okay! *trots over to Sephiroth*

Sephiroth- What the hell do you want?!

Cloud sits in Sephiroth's lap and looks at the Masamune. He wraps an arm around Sephiroth's waist.

Cloud- Sephyis that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?

Sephiroth- *semi-pissed* *knocks Cloud off, grabs him by his throat and shoves him against a wall* Why you spikey-headed—

Barret sneaks up from behind and pulls a Double Bundy Kuri Kuri on Sephiroth.

Sephiroth- erk

Barret- Kuri Kuri! Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY! Get your hands out of my—

Barret- Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- COLD! G-gun arm! Cold! Call him off you spikey-assed--!

Barret- Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- Call him off! CALL HIM OFF!

Tifa- *cheering from sidelines* Go Cloud!

Cloud- Barret, if you let him go I'll sleep with you.

Barret- OK! *relinquishes Sephiroth's balls with a big grin*

Tifa skips over, giggling

Tifa- Ok, Cloud! *smiles mischieviously* Lets go

Cloud- yeah! *to Barret* umwait here. We'll go get the car

Cloud whispers to Tifa and they race out of the room

Barret- *waving* I'll be waiting!!

Poor Sephy sneaks away into the night, never to be seen againor at least until the next fic

***

In another room

The Juggies weep and mourn over the Don's death.

Juggie 1- Oh Don! Why'd you have to go off and DIE?!

Juggie 2- Oh Donny boy! Why? WHY?!

Juggie 3- He wasn't all that good in bedI don't really miss him

The other two glare at Juggie 3.

Juggie 3- What?

Juggies 1+2- DIE! *They suffocate Juggie 3 with their ENORMOUS breasts*

Red XIII pads in.

Red XIII- oh, I

Juggie 1- Oh! Its SO cute!

Juggie 2- KAWAII!

Both hug Red XIII.

Red XIII- Sodo you ladies believe in bestiality?

Juggies exchange glances.

Juggies 1+2- We do now!

***

Reeve walks in to find Cid lying on the floor, thoroughly engaged in reading the book of Kamasutra in the lobby.

Reeve- hey, asshole...seen my blow up doll?

Cid- Fuck no*goes back to the book* oh yeah

Reeve- Why the hell are you pulling a Bundy? *looks at book* Can I look too?

Cid- Fuck no! MY damn book!

Reeve- Scoot over, asshole *pushes Cid over*

Cid- Fine, ya bastard! But just remember, wash your hands whenever you turn the page!

***

Cloud locks the motel room door.

Cloud- He'll never find us here, Tifa

Tifa- I'm so glad we ditched Barret back at the ShinRa HQ!

Back at ShinRa HQ.

Barret- They ditched me

Cloud- yeah!

Tifa- Hey Cloud, wait here while I slip into something a little morecomfortable *Tifa strolls into the bathroom*

Cloud- Ne~!

When Tifa emerges, she doesn't look likeherself. BUT poor, poor Cloud, being drunk off his ass, doesn't notice.

Cloud- He~y Tifa

Tifa?- Hey Cloud

Tifa's voice is surprisingly low and she's gotten a lot taller, wider, and darker

Cloud- Tifa! HeheYou're looking soooooo HOT!

Tifa?- Oh Cloud

Muffled grunts are eminating from the bathroom (Tifa- mmpm mm mmammph!). As they start going at it, the muffled sounds become more and more audible.

Cloud- heyIs it just me or did your chest get harrier?

Tifa(Barret)- o-no, it's just you

Muffled noises get louder

Cloud- HeyWhere's your other hand?

Tifa(Barret)- oh!I-its th-there!

Cloud- Then what's that cold thing there?

Tifa(Barret)-D-dildo?

Cloud- oooooo KIN-ky

Finally, Cloud notices the muffled but distinctive high-pitched protests coming from the bathroom.

Cloud- HeyDo you hear that?

Tifa(Barret)- umNature calls Cloud! I'll be right back!

Cloud- *shouting from bed* What did nature call you again?

Barret, who is dressed as Tifa (mur), enters the bathroom where Tifa, the REAL Tifa, is bound and gagged in the cheap hotel shower/bath.

Tifa- mmpmmmpmmmmmm!

Barret turns on the shower tap

Tifa- *screams through the gag*

Cloud- *shouting from bed* Tifa! Why's the shower running?

Tifa(Barret)- I can't piss!

Tifa(Barret) walks back into the bedroom.

Cloud- Tifa! You left the water running! OhI know! I'll turn it off for you Snookie-Pookie-Kins!

Tifa(Barret)- N-NO! NOOOOO!

Cloud barges into the bathroom and sees Tifa, who at the current moment has the mentality of a wet cat.

Cloud- Tifa? Who's this?

Tifa(Barret)- uhBarret?

Tifa- mmmphmmmmmmphmmm!!

Cloud has a sudden realization

Cloud- HeyBarret! What are you doing here?! We ditched you at ShinRa HQ!I mean I know I said I'd sleep with you, but I wasn't being SERIOUS about it! I mean, I'd NEVER sleep with a guy

Mystery Chick 1 and 2 leisurely stroll in from no apparent entrance. Mystery Chick 1 is wearing an afro wig and Mystery Chick 2 is carrying a bowl of hot soup.

MC1-well maybe Sephiroth!

MC2- Yeah! He's so hot! I bet Cloud would totally fu—

Cloud smacks his hand over Mystery Chick 2's mouth. The sudden violent movement, unfortunately, caused her to spill the soup she was carryingon his crotch. Mystery Chick 1 and Barret wince at Cloud's misfortune.

Cloud- AHHH! *fills with rage*

Suddenly, Cid kicks down the door, the Kamasutra under his arm, Reeve standing behind him.

Cid- A T-BAGGIN' DAMSEL IN DISTRESS! Need some help Cloud?

Reeve- asshole.

Cloud- *fuming*

Cid- Goddamn mother fucking, big floppy moogle cock sucker, ass cock fucking reverse ended, penis face bitchin asshole, whore slangin', ball lickin', shit faced, mother fucking, dick head, Chocobo spoogin', Tifa tits, piss pants Pussy!

Several moments of uncomfortable silence pass.

Cid- *walking away with Reeve* HeyI think I saw a Chocobo in the main lobby

Mystery Chick 1 and 2 leave through the front door.

Cloud- Hey, Barret! Nice tits!

Tifa- mmmphmmmmmmphmmm!

Tifa(Barret)- Hey Cloud, weren't we doing somthin'?

Cloud- YeahLets get back to foolin' around!

***

The Turks are sitting in a ShinRa Motor Vehicles company car in front of the Sinbad Salads

Tseng- Everybody ready?

Elena- *nods*

Rude- *nods*

Reno- Fuck. *nods*

Tseng- *deadpan serious voice* Okay everyone.

.put on your socks.

All pull socks onto their heads, except for Elena, who uses pantyhose.

Tseng- All right, lets go.

All get out of the car, except for Reno, who falls out face-first onto the pavement.

Reno- FUCK! Why is it so fucking dark! Weren't there streetlights at this fucking place! Why the FUCK can't I see!?!

Rude- You forgot your eye-holes

Reno- *pulls the sock off of his head*fucking amazing.

Tseng kicks open the glass door of the small business and Rude and himself enter.

Elena- *runs in dramatically* NOBODY MOVE!! This is a stick-up!!

Rude-*stares at Elena*

Elena-what? *looks at burly Turkish storeowner behind counter* OHMYGOD! It's a MOOSE!

Reno stumbles in.

Reno- HAHAHA! FUCK! *grabs Tseng and holds his sock menacingly at his throat* Nobody fucking move! Give us all the fucking tabouli and humus you've got or the FUCKING lady gets it!!

Tseng-That's a sock.

Reno- NO its not! It's a fucking GUN! A big fucking menacing gun!

StoreOwner- No, You stupid Turks! *pulls out a shotgun from beneath the counter* THIS is a big fucking menacing gun!

Elena- A Moose with a.oh MYoh my GOD *orgasmic* It's soooo bigand longand HARD!

Reno- *while Elena is stroking/fondling the shotgun* How the FUCK did you know we were Turks! We're fucking wearing mother fucking socks! We're Fuckin' INVISIBLE!

Tseng-your sock*looks down at Reno's sock, still at his throat*has white stuff on it.

StoreOwner- You parked your company car outside, dumb-asses!

Elena- *Orgasmic, now stroking gun with both hands, RAPIDLY* OH GOD! OH GOD!

The Storeowner freaks out at Elena's display and fires the gun.

Elena- *frazzled, one leg of the pantyhose is smoldering* WowMoosey, Mooseygod that was great

Rude + Tseng- WowShe really handles it well

Reno- GeezWhen it fucking blows a load it REALLY fucking blows a load

Tseng- *escapes from Reno's grasp and approaches counter* If we give you some weed can we have our tabouli and humus?

StoreOwner- fine.

The Storeowner sets the shotgun on the counter and gives them the "goods". As the Turks drive off in their company car, the gun is mysteriously missing from the counter and Elena's pantyhose are still on fire. Suddenly, they burst into flames

Elena- HeyIs it hot in here or is it just me?

Rude- *staring at pantyhose* ElenaYour head's on fire.

Elena- OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! BAD MOOSE! BAD MOOSE! BAD MOOSE!!!

Tseng, thinking "quickly", swerves the car into the Drive-Thru of the Sinbad Salads restaurant and Elena rips the flaming pantyhose from her head and throws them through the Drive Thru window.

Newbie at window- *while flipping through porn magazine, Ecchi Pop* Welcome to Sinbad's Salads, may I take your--*Elena's pantyhose land on his head* AHH!! The humus is on fire! AHHHHHH!

The Sinbad Salads proceed to burn down and while doing so, ignites a gas main that turns the entire "nameless" town *coughnibelheimcough* into a fiery inferno. The Turks look on as they speed away

Elena- Pretty Firewarkwark wark

Reno- fuck

* * *

T: XD wow. The count really went up

Bleu: ^^ Hold up tallys

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 29 1/2

Total: 68.5


	5. The Aftermath aka the Morning After…

Disclaimer: We don't own FF7, never will, get over it. This is only for entertainment. So ya' can't sue us! NYAH NYAH!

****

A Very Shinra Christmas

Part 5: The Aftermath (aka the Morning After)

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

* * *

Yuffie stretches, yawns, and hops off the table. Last night had been a rough one but as she walks away, she forgets Scarlet, still strapped to the table.

Scarlet- Hey. Where are you going? Hey! WAIT!

As Yuffie leaves, the newly liposuctioned, and fairly good looking, Palmer and Heidigger enter. They see Scarlet tied to the table.

Scarlet- Palmer?! Heidigger?!

They grin mischievously and lock the door. 

***

Rufus wakes up after a vigorous night of "desk humping".

Rufus- Ah! Nothing better than getting' back at the old man. But waitdidn't INOOOOO!

Aeris- *stirs and awakensextremely naked* What's wrong?

Rufus- I juston his desk! Ewwww! He's dead! So it's mine! —I can't believe I--!

Aeris- *suddenly disturbed* sodid we?

Rufus- *nods*

Aeris- NOOOOOOOOO!

***

Vincent wakes upalone. The room is empty with the exception of a fewUSED strawberry flavored condoms scattered about.

Vincent- I'm nakedIn a bedwith condoms all around the room..Someone had sex in here last nightDid I have sex in here? I wonder who it was? *He lifts up right armthe blow-up doll is deflated on his claw* no. *stares in disbelief* No. *breaks down crying* I have paid for my sins! I HAVE PAID FOR MY SINS!!

***

Red XIII- Oh LADIES! That was great!

Juggie 1- Well, Reddipooto tell the truthWe're not really ladies

Red XIII- *jawdrop* 

Juggie 2- YeahDo you remember that gym in Sector 6?*smile* that's us.

Red XIII- *dies*

Juggie 1- that's badright?

***

Reeve groggily opens his eyes. He's on a couch in the main lobby. Cid steps into view, hands on hips, grinning broadly.

Cid- Mornin' Sunshine!

Reeve- dudeI had the weirdest fucking dream. You were fucking a Chocobo and it was, like, RIDING me! 

Cid- dream?

Reeve- *suddenly notices the dead, rotting Chocobo carcass lying in the middle of the tiled lobby floor, various body fluids pooled around it* 

Cid- Martini? *offers*

***

MC1- *as teacher* Cloud just woke up. He isn't feeling very well because he has a "Hangover".

Cloud dashes out of bed. He's gotta puke or take a cold shower whichever needs doing first. He turns on the shower tap and runs to the toilet. Time to hurl! As Cloud "prays to the porcelain god" he hears muffled screams coming from the shower. He peers into the shower and beheld an absolutely drenched Tifa, bound and gagged in the tub (which is news to him.).

Tifa- mmphmmphmm mmmm!

Cloud-Ti-fa?

Cloud races back into the bedromm and trears the covers from the bed to find an extremely naked Barret lying in the bed.

Barret- *snore*mmumble mumble oh Cloud touch me there againmmm

Cloud-*scream*

***

Reno is awakened by the scream of someone in the next room over. He sighs and opens his eyes to see Rude next to him, smiling sweetly. Reno smiles back at his loverthen he looks over FURTHERThere's Tseng.

Reno-*kinda disturbed* Wellit's not THAT bad.

He rolls over onto his left side. There lies Elena clutching a very familiar looking shotgunand over the double-barrelshis sock.

Reno- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

***

And somewhere in Costa Del Sol, sit a beach chair. And in that beach chair sits a silver hared man. Around the chair lay empty tabouli and humus cartons and in a nearby cooler chills the head of Hojo. Suddenly, Cloud runs up onto the beach.

Cloud- *shouting angrily* SEPHIROTH! Sephiroth, for god's sake, NOT AGAIN!!!

Sephiroth- *blinks* what?I didn't do anythingand besides- this is a NUDE beachloose the pants.

Cloud- *stares at Sephiroth* so it is

MC1+2- We knew it!!

MC1+2- *cheering wildly with left index fingers to their foreheads* THE END!

* * *

T: ^^ Short epilogue. Not much to count!

Bleu: O_o wowonly threethat's a record

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 3

Total: 71.5

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¯ 

Epilouge

MC2- What chaos have we unleashed upon this world!

MC1- This Fanfiction is a disaster! What have we done?!

Both start sniffing at air

MC2-My godwhat is that?!

MC1-That, my friend, is the pungent small of a sequel

Both in unison- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


End file.
